Why is my life tangled with this type of mother?
I don't care what others say.
But she is the worst type of mother I ever knew,
worse than the type that abuses children,
worst than the mental type.

She's the type of super distant mother that could hardly be bothered to interact with me.
She's those type of career woman who should have never had me in the first place,
she's so focussed on her career that I'm nothing to her, I guess.
For all I know, I'm far less than her career.
She's always out, overseas, whatever.

When I was an idiot, I used to dial her number endlessly into the phone.
When I was an idiot I used to call her everyday just to hear her voicebox recording of "sorry, I'm busy, please leave a message for Anna--- beep".
When I was an idiot, I craved to listen to that recording endlessly, it was the only voice I can hear of her.
When I was an idiot, I had never stop hoping for her to pick up her phone, perhaps just once; but that never happened at all.
When I was an idiot, I had the firm believe that she will call me back one day.

And then I stopped being an idiot.

I realised what folly I had tricked myself into. I know she'll never care,
I thought she liked me, or rather I have never thought about it.
Now I know, she doesn't care about me at all, why would she even bother to spare any moment of her hectic life thinking about whether or not she likes me?
That's the point.
She never cares. About me. All she cares about is her work, her image, her face.
She goes to spa, nail manicures, facial treatment centres, at least 5 hours a week. I'd rather she spend all these time with me. But you see, her image comes in priority, no way would she leave that bit of time for me. It breaks my heart.
What's the world to you when your mother don't even cares about you.
I have never stopped loving her, but I hate her.

She doesn't love me. And it breaks my heart to realise that.
She talked (shouted) to me about my Bulimia not because it's me, but because she's afraid that rumours would spread and tar her image as a mother. She gave birth to me and offered me my life, yet all she gave were the materialistic needs, and neglected all the basic needs of a child. She forgot the love I need from her. Or is it because she doesn't even think I need it?
Everyone around me gets showered with their mother's love.
Yet she only gives me the cold shoulder.

I won't forget how I asked her for presents when she returned from a business treat, like all kids my age do, and was told harshly, "why should I give you presents?"
Taken aback, I cried as a mere 7 year old kid. And she walked away.
Ice devil, I'll call her. I'm too far from her expectations.
More or less because her expectations are beyond human capability.

When she returns home, she barely speaks to me. I just seem, invisible.
I tried to approach her for homework help, and she just brushed me aside, complaining about her lack of time. Funny she has all the time in the world for her spas and no time to teach me an easy Mathematical question of 1+1 standard. I loved her all along, even though she abandoned me.
Maybe, it's purely because of her arrogance, charisma and her elegance.

On second thought, I might have grown up in this family only because I was sold for money.
She's probably not my biological mother. But never have I dared to ask her.
I'm afraid of the truth, and afraid that her answer will be a lie.

Where am I now? I'm in an internet cafe. I'm planning to stay out of home for quite a while. Yes, it's called 离家出走in chinese. Avoid her. And eat and vomit all I want.
I bet she'd feel much more happier without me around.

My father's dead.
And in my memory, my mother killed him.